I was 1 in 7 to experience postpartum psychosis” as quoted from my book “Confessions of a Mother’s Heart”, published in 2018.

Since our youngest daughter was born in 2007 my husband and I have tried, off and on, to have a fourth child. After about two years I think I just gave up. It was too disappointing to check myself each month to see if I was ovulating or not and then waiting every month, only to be let down. I was also experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, but didn’t want to deal with it because I was ashamed.

About six months after I had my third daughter I began experiencing severe mood swings. I would go from being perfectly content, even laughing, to crying for the smallest thing. I would also experience moments of rage where I would blow up at my children when they didn’t listen to me and do what I asked of them several times.

When my husband would come home from work, usually after the girls and I had already eaten dinner, I would confess to him what had happened. I went as far as to have suicidal thoughts, and worse than that, of possibly taking my children’s lives. I knew that was not good, but felt out of control.

If I didn’t change soon, I could’ve been one of those cases of “mom drowns her kids in the bathtub” on the local evening news. I was desperate to get help, but was afraid to tell anyone else, other than my husband.

I finally cried out to God and he sent a Godly woman that would watch my girls just so I could go out by myself and collect my thoughts, and get some exercise, which I knew I needed in order to start my recovery process. Because of my mental and physical state, I had asked God to not let me get pregnant again, if I was going to feel like I was going to lose my mind and possibly hurt myself or my three girls.

After diagnosing myself and confirming with my doctor, I realized I was experiencing a severe case of Postpartum Depression. I am in a much better place now. But, I didn’t think I would ever get here. I felt like I had fallen in a deep pit and there was no way out. I came to realize that I had a valid medical condition, but it was also in my mind, and I could change my reaction to my physical illness.

With the support of my husband and God’s strength, I started going to a bible study again with ladies that I trusted with my problem. I also started reading a book on depression called, “Overcoming Anxiety and Depression. Practical Tools to Help You Deal with Negative Emotions” by Bob Phillips. All of these things combined, and a lot of prayer I was able to do just that, overcome it. That was a long time ago, but I know that it’s something that I have to keep at the forefront of my mind. I am thankful every day that I didn’t give in to my flesh and give up on my family or life.

Every choice I made for the better helped get me to where I am, but I have to keep making the choice to hold on to the hope that comes from following God. He never let me down, even when I wanted to quit. Every day His mercies sustained me. Little by little I was able to see myself in a better state of mind. In turn, that helped me to reflect on my life. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. But, if that ever happens again, I know deep in my soul that God will sustain me. Until God says otherwise, we’re thankful to have our three healthy and mostly happy and lovely girls.

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Over the last few years, I have gone from having no hope in feeling emotionally “normal” again to waiting in expectation!

The only real reason I am still here and able to share this with you is because I put my hope in someone who can never let me down. But, even after I did that, I still “felt” hopeless. It wasn’t because He wasn’t able to get me out of my despair, it was because I was choosing to go with my “feelings” instead of obeying His truths. It wasn’t until I started to believe that with God nothing is impossible that my healing really began. I had to take steps that reflected that belief.

An ancient Jewish proverb says, “For what a man thinks in his mind, he is.” I chose, every day, to believe the truth over my feelings. God was transforming me into the person I am today through my circumstances and the consequences of other people’s choices. But, I still had a choice. I chose to finally open up and share my dilemma with women in my bible study group, despite what I thought they would think of me. That was one of the first steps that brought me to where I am today. As the Psalmist David says, “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” (Psalm 5:3) He is saying that when we give everything, even the most painful thing we are experiencing, at God’s throne, in Jesus’ name, there is hope!
PPD is a serious emotional and physical condition that should not be left unchecked. If you are experiencing any of the above mentioned symptoms or know of someone who is, please get help.  Get help:

PSI Helpline - 1-800-944-4773  #1 En Español or #2 English OR Text: 503-894-9453  Don’t wait. Call on the Lord to guide you to the right place, and then call on someone that can help you through it, while there is time.

· Are you experiencing any of the same symptoms above?

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Take some time to reflect on what you read in this book and see if there is anything you need help with. Don’t stay alone in your pain. You are not alone. Ask for help! Join the movement of COMH-Unity groups today!

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